Meltdowns

Everybody hit their breaking points yesterday. 

Kate and Kayle are fighting constantly.  They are jealous and competitive of each other.  And they are acting out in meanness.  It's awful to watch.   Kayle is super snugly and huggy with me and I think it is hard for Kate to watch that.  They race to do everything first, physically pushing and maneuvering their way past each other.  They defiantly ignore the other's requests to stop, or share or move.  It is yucky to watch the ugly sides come out of each of them.

Isabella is sick and that makes everything harder and whinier.

I tried to spend some time with Bryan, but it wasn't enough.

This was my 3 hour afternoon with all 4 kids:

- Trying to pick up the big kids at school I hear Kayle crying, I turn to hear her say "You hurt me."  To which Kate replied "I don't care."  I swooped all offending parties off to head home to deal with it in a less public forum.

- Bryan tells me he had a hard day but he'll tell me about it later.

- As the girls ran up ahead, he tells me that is was because Isabella followed him around all day. She won't leave him alone.  (And this is a kid, who like his mom, needs his space).

- At one point I try to prep everyone for the quiet time that awaits us upon our return home.  Everyone gets to play quietly in their rooms.  Not because anyone is in trouble, just because we all need a little down time.  Tears and tantrums from the 2 new ones.

- After 2 little girls race to corners and push and shove the whole way home, I take Kate into my room to find out what happened at the school.  After many un-truths of explanation, I finally get an admittance that Kate was talking to her friend and Kayle wouldn't leave her alone, so she elbowed her out of the way, striking her in the eye.  Before I can get past "not OK" there are cries from the living room.

- More explanations that quiet time is not a punishment, just a routine, and one that we are in great need of.

- I pull Bryan out during quiet time to read some Hardy Boys with him.

- During snack time I go to pick up the girls room from the destruction that they made during quiet time.  Only to discover that the music bin, with the little homemade plastic shaker eggs with rice and electrical tape have all been opened and emptied....all over the bedroom carpet.  Livid.  How have we had those since my son was 1, 2 kids and tons of friends later that has never happened, and 5 days into this they are destroyed?

- I pull myself together and calmly go ask who took apart the eggs.  Instantly Kayle and Isabella point at each other.  OK.  That's not helpful.  "Kayle did you do this?"  Her accusing finger switches from Isabella to Kate.  Kate's eyes go wide with astonishment and a clear response to me that she wasn't even in the room.  (I know very well when my daughter is not telling the truth, it happens plenty, this was not one of those times)  So I repeat the question to Kayle, and she points again at Isabella.  I am pretty sure I know who to trust here, but not having history makes it so hard.  I ask Isabella and she tells me it was Kayle.  I have a sit down with Kayle about truth and ask her again.  After much effort, she finally admits to it.  I explain that makes me sad that she destroyed my things and now I have a big mess to clean that is going to take me a long time.  Isabella asks from the other side of the table, "Sandra, do you still like me?"  I offer words of comfort that I do, and I still like her sister, I am just sad that she didn't take care of my things.

- I send everyone outside so I can clean the mess in the room.

- Kayle kept coming in to tattle on people not sharing.  "Did you ask them if you could have a turn?"  "No."  So much training to be done.

- While vacuuming, the girls come running in.  Kate tells me the pink ball (Kayle's) accidentally went over the fence and she wants to go get it.  I tell her she can if the neighbors are home.  Then in runs Kayle saying "Her throw my ball over the fence 'cause she mad I want my mommy!"  Oh brother.

- Kate comes back and I tell her I want to talk with her. But the phone rings. It is the director from Kayle's preschool. She and I met on Friday and she had explained that they have a grant to help support foster families like ours. They offer Monday - Friday care from 8am-5pm to help alleviate some of the burden of the daily care for the foster families. They see it as a partnership. They offer it for $100/month, per kid. AMAZING! I am elated and for the first time since saying "yes" I have hope that I can do this. If we only have all 4 on evenings and weekends, I'll have Roger to help me tag team. But the grant runs out this month. She is currently writing 2 new grants in hopes of securing more funding. In this phone call, she better explained the timing of all of that, and it doesn't sound realistic that the funds would be in place this summer. Devastated I hung up. I closed the door and sobbed. This  weekend was too hard.  This afternoon has been too hard.  I can NOT do this. I can't do summer. 4 kids. No school. I pleaded with God. I quietly sobbed. I heard Kate knock. I told her I needed a few minutes. I heard her tell others in the hallway that I was crying. So, I pulled myself together and went back out to parent the 4 kids in the hall.

- I pulled Kate in for our talk.  After sifting through her lies we discovered Kayle's ball didn't "accidentally" go over the fence, but instead, Kate, feeling sick and tired of Kayle, threw it over the fence to be mean. 

- Meanwhile I hear Bryan shouting at Isabella to get out.  She is hiding in his "cave" on his bed again, and we have made it clear that she needs to stay out of his space.  She thinks it's a fun game and doesn't seem to register that it really needs to stop. 

- Kate and Isabella go outside and I read to Bryan some more.  When it's time to make dinner he follows me in the kitchen and tries to read the book to me.  As he struggles with words I look over and help and he pushes through.  Kayle is sitting next to him, motor mouthing away.  Next thing I know Bryan bursts into tears.  Bryan, what's the matter?  "I feel like you're not giving me enough attention!"  Dinner halfway done, I leave everything as it is, scoop up my fragile boy and carry him into the living room where we plop onto the couch.  Kayle follows and snuggles up on my side.  I try to focus fully on Bryan and explain that I have spent quite a bit of time reading to him this afternoon, and now dinner has to be made, and still I am giving him attention, but I don't know what else I can do.

- By the time Roger gets home and we tag team through dinner, bath, teeth brushing, hair brushing, Jammies and bedtime stories I am wiped. 

- When putting Kate to bed she tells me "I just want them to go home! I don't want them to live at our house anymore!"  It  breaks my heart to hear my children hurting and know that it is because of a decision I have made. As their mom I want to protect them from pain and I am battling terrible guilt to be the cause of it and choosing to not take it away. But I know in the long run, this is for the best. They will be kinder, more selfless, more loving people because of this experience, we all will. But the journey to learn those lessons is challenging and it is difficult to force them to learn it the hard way.

- At the end of the day, I try to relay to Roger the hellacious afternoon that has sucked me dry and as I retell the stories I realized I never got to follow through on consequences for anything.  Before I could finish one incident, the next one was pulling me away. 

It doesn't help that I am a week and a half into this cold and still hacking up a lung.  I am exhausted and wiped out, physically and emotionally.  I am clinging to the promise that God will carry me when I can't go on.  Because I can't go on.