Free Falling

I am free falling. I jumped off the cliff and I am currently free falling and I am hoping and praying that God catches me quickly. Never have I been so disobedient in the face of being so obedient. With every move forward I am digging my heals in, dragging myself along as I move forward. I am saying yes with my mouth but everything in me is screaming and shouting NO!!!! It is a strange place to be.

We are called to care for the orphan, (James 1:27) to serve the least of these. We are told that every time we give drink to the thirsty or feed the hungry, we do these things for Jesus. (Matthew 25:34-40)There is a need in front of my face. I don't want to meet it, yet I know I have to. It's what I am commanded to do.

I told him "Lord, I will do whatever you ask, just don't ask THIS of me." For the last 16 months he has been preparing me that this was coming. And I was going to have to give over, even this. And I am terrified. How will I be able to do it?

There is a little girl in Bryan's kindergarten class, Isabella, who I have gotten to know over the past school year.  I chatted with her mom on the playground as we waited for the class to be dismissed.  I heard snippets of the life they lived.  Isabella has seizures, she has learning disabilities, she and her sister, 13 months apart, have different fathers, and neither of them are related to the current live-in boyfriend.  They struggled to find a doctor who takes Medi-Cal to do an MRI on Isabella.  

After only chatting a few times in the playground, Isabella's mom asked me to give them a ride home one day after school.  We normally walk to and from school, but on this particular day I happened to have the mini-van.  The one I swore I would never drive.  And I happened to have extra car seats, to help cart friend's kids around.  And when she asked me to drop them off at the Mobil station, I offered to take them all the way home.  (After first stopping at the Mobil so mom could get her cigarettes.)  In looking back over these events, I see how calculated and God-orchestrated each of these fleeting moments has become in writing the story we are now living out.

I longed to give Isabella some extra love.  She clung to my side before and after school, grabbing my hand and reluctantly letting go when the bell would ring.  Each week as I worked in the classroom she took over a little more of my heart.  I thought about having her over after school, just to show her that people care.  Then I noticed her mom wasn't picking her up anymore.  After a couple weeks, and a few conversations I put it all together.  The girls (Isabella and her little sister Kayle) had been removed from their home and placed in an Emergency Foster Shelter.  I spoke with the teacher and their caregiver and tried to set up a time for her to come be at out house after school.

Every day Isabella would come ask if she could come over.  Then one week she asked "Will you go get my mom, you know where I live, remember when you took me home?"  Heart breaking.

And I've thought a lot about mom.  A young woman who seemed lost in the little bit of time I knew her.  Living a life of consequences for the many choices she had already made.  Now left with facing each day knowing her little girls were being cared for by someone else.  Who was walking with her through this difficult road?  Who was encouraging and spurring her on to succeed?  I know where she lives.  I've chatted with her before. If not me, who? 

So last Tuesday I went.  I went to her house to check on her.  To see how she was doing.  To find out if she needed a friend.  To tell her I was on her team and would be there is she needed me.  To encourage her to do what was necessary to get her girls back.  She wasn't home.  But I had written a letter saying all of those things and left my phone number.  She called that afternoon. 


She said the letter made her cry.  It meant a lot to her.  She has no one to walk with her and she could use a friend.  She said it would be 6 months until she could get her girls back, but she was doing everything being asked of her.  Then she said they were being moved an hour away in 2 weeks, because there was no placement for them here in town.

I got off the phone.  Can we take them for 6 months?  NO!!!!  The idea of little Isabella, who already struggles so much having to be moved with 5 weeks left of school.  The only consistency in her life is school and seeing me.  Roger got home from work and I relayed the phone call to him.  "Can't we take them for 6 months?" were the first words out of his mouth.  NO!!!! 

And here it is, 7 days after that conversation and we are 3 days away from having two little girls join our family. 

A friend sent me these passages to encourage me:
"  'He rained down manna for the people to eat, he gave them the grain of heaven.'  Psalm 78:24. The Israelites had nothing and God so completely provided for them with the 'grain of heaven.' Praying that God sustains you with grain from heaven as you seek and obey.

When Elijah is fleeing for his life and hides out in a cave for 40 days with nothing, an angel comes to him and says 'Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.'  I so feel like that is how it is for us. This journey is TOO much for us, but not for our Lord. "
And my theme verse for this journey: "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13  Because I sure can't do this by MY strength!

I am free falling.  And there is no going back.  I am about to experience what it means to really have to rely on God.  I am stepping out beyond my comfort, my security and my ability to control.  I will have to come to God daily to be filled and fed.  I will drink deeply from his word, and beg daily for patience and grace.