I have been excited as my children are getting older and have come out on the other side of the toddler stage. I like that my son starts Kindergarten this fall. I like that my daughter will start next fall. I like to think about all the things I will be able to “do,” tangible, objective achievements, once they are occupied for quite a few of their waking hours by someone other than me.Bringing a child into our family will keep me from those things. Those things aren’t just frivolous joy and entertainment. They are good, helpful, kingdom things. But they are not things I can do with a new little one in the mix. They are things I have put off until I had the flexibility in my schedule to be able to pursue them. But they are things that make me feel more of who I was made to be.
I LOVE Young Life. I love what they are about. I love how they go about it. It brings me great joy to be in the midst of YL people. I was a volunteer leader for Capernaum, a branch of YL that works with students with special needs. It was a gift to get to know those kids. I did it for 2 years, and this past January they changed the weeknight they met on and I was no longer able to make it work with our family schedule. I chose to do Capernaum because I was struggling with a “woe is me” attitude of discontent in my role as a full-time mom with a husband who worked long and trying hours. I chose to get my eyes off myself and to serve others instead. It was a great move, and incredibly rewarding.
But, I think I want to go back to mainstream club. I loved life as a Resident Director. I loved living life alongside college students, sharing in their highs and lows, offering advice, challenging them and being a listening ear. But our family life doesn’t allow me to return to a live-in college dorm position. However, Young Life can provide a similar opportunity. To befriend high school students who otherwise would not hear the gospel, and bring Jesus to them. I want to build friendships, walk life with them and be there as a mentor and confidant. I want to go to Club and do silly and fun things, I want to go to camp and encourage them to hear God in a new way. When Kate starts school I want to be involved in CASA. CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) is a non-profit in Santa Barbara that works to assure a safe, permanent, nurturing home for every abused, neglected, or abandoned child by providing a highly-trained volunteer to advocate for each child in the court system. This is my way of caring for the orphan.
This is the kind of thing I can get excited about getting involved in. I can see and feel the tangible outcome of the effort and energy I put in. This compliments how God designed me. But the idea of talking in another child, forever, potty training, temper tantrums, etc, is overwhelming to say the least. Now, I know we could take in an older child, but with a 4 and 5 year old, we aren’t as open to that right now.
So, what do I do with this? If I bring in a new child, we can offer that child so much. But I can’t do YL and CASA for another 4 or 5 years. Yes, I know in the grand scheme that is a very short time, but to me it is hard to have to put off my passions even longer. I've already been waiting almost 6 years and I have tasted how close I am. These are the things that make me feel whole, and these are good things that involve kingdom work. How do I decide what is “better?”
Praying, grappling and praying some more.
I choose the latter for you - the YL and CASA. Although I am not God, I will still gladly give my opinion. If there are things that make you feel alive, that make it so evident that THIS is what God created you to be doing, no matter how hard the work is, things that you are so overjoyed to be a part of, things that utilize your natural strengths -- those are the things I think God loves watching us be a part of.
ReplyDeleteThose are my two cents, at least. :)
What does God want you to do with the time he has given you? Because honestly, what you want to do doesn't really matter a whole lot when you have turned your life over to Christ to do what he wants with it. God has been teaching me this lesson as he has made it clear that he wanted me to pursue a teaching job that I did not want!!! Like you, I want to be home when my kids are in school, to have coffee with friends and do bible studies, and serve the Lord through adoption ministry. He finally called me out and said, (in so many words) "Who are you to tell me how you want to serve me? Don't you think I know how you are most useful for my kingdom? And if you are doing what I most want for you, do you think you would regret it?" Yikes!! I finally submitted and surrendered my plan to his. I told him that I would pursue and accept the job if offered - even though I made it clear that it was NOT what I wanted to do! Such hard lessons! Still waiting to see what will happen. So fun (I think I can call it that) that we are going through the same experiences!
ReplyDeleteI am with Leah. You will be happiest when you know you're doing God's will for you, even if that's not what you planned - but what is God's will for you? Such a huge question that requires a lot of prayer and listening to God. You know what your gifts are - people have told you, complimented you on what you do well and when you are being used to the fullest of your ability it seems to come easy. And you also know what is hard for you. Also, as I'm thinking especially about you, maybe you should think outside the box. Maybe adopting a 9 month old is not the only way to "adopt" - what about the 6th grader who needs a "real" parent to love them outside of their home, or the high school girl who needs someone just like you to come alongside her to help with the big questions. I think about Courtney Petar's family, about people like Angela White who needed to be adopted into another family and while it wasn't a legal adoption, it became their family nonetheless. While God may show you that he wants you to take care of another (or two) tiny ones, they are, by no means, the only kids out there who need parenting, counsel, love and guidance. I think you've shown that you excel in loving and understanding needy preteens, teenagers, and college age kids. And that is a gift that not all of us have. Just because adopting little ones is an obvious choice doesn't mean its the ONLY one, or that there aren't lots of kids who need adopting in a different sense. Not to talk you out of adopting babies, but I'm just thinking of your passions and your calling - if you asked me what I thought you should do, I would say that you already know. I say go with your heart. AND, you never know what God will put in your path - ask for the opportunities and he will give you what he wants for you. He has been faithful to you thus far, and I'm sure he'll continue to hold you up and use you in mighty ways.
ReplyDeleteHow can I prtend to comment as beautifully as your young friend's who seem wise beyon their year's. But a little comment I will make
ReplyDeleteBeing a young mother of 9 children, I did volunteer work for my parish when the children were small. sister Bernardine brought a typerwriter, desk etc to my home and I did work from home after my little were in bed. I had no TV, Radio and only read the newspaper occasionly.those were wonderful years for me. I even joined the Legion of Mary on and off for 5 yrs.Then when I stayed at home and became a full time Mom, I decided that we could adopt a teenager who needed help.before I could get to that point I realized that if I lived my life as God wanted me to ,to the best of my ability and to be there for my children, I would be doing God's will.And LO and behold I eventually had to go to work, and that too worked out according to God's plan for me I worked for NASA nite's which left my day's open for my family..God put's what he want's you to do in front of you just be open to his Holy Will..rightnow he want's you to take care of your little one's and when he want's more from you, you will know! Love your,nana